Wings

Rocco will be getting his wings tomorrow and I am a mess. Maybe it would be easier if he was old but he's a young boy and the sunlight in my life. I've been having a rough time lately what with working and living with the husband who seems hell bent on putting me in my place. He finishes sentences for me, incorrectly, answers my questions to him with that unspoken 'dumbshit' on the end. He's contentious and argumentative and I have given up trying to find it. He no longer bothers to pay attention to what I tell him and then becomes offended that he didn't know something because I didn't tell him. I've given up telling him that I've already told him such and such and allow myself to be diminished. Some days, as I cross the parking lot to my car, i swear I can actually feel myself shrinking. I wonder what hap[pens when I finally shrink away to a speck. The only reason he'd even notice my absence would be when he needs me to do something for him. So losing my best bud and my cheerleader and the goofiest dog ever born is killing me. I'll still have my little Ollie who is already trying to fill Rocco's shoes but I am so broken. Rocco has never cut me off or looked at me like I was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I've never been reproached with the unspoken dumbshit. As far as he is concerned, the sun rises and sets in me and oh how I will miss that.

HOWEVER, I know I am doing the best for him. What kind of mother would I be if I let him suffer to protect my own fragile feelings? tonight his face is so swollen he can't eat his usual food so he and Ollie pigged out on two small cans of vienna sausages, a smell I cannot stand, but a treat for the dogs. I've saved a can of them to feed him tomorrow before he goes and I am washing a blanket for him to be wrapped in. He's coming back home tojoin the others under the tree and I hope my Mutley is there to lead him on. I don't want my weakness to keep his spirit here. I want him to fly like the winged things that visited me all summer. I want him to soar and to wait for me acorss that bridge because he is and will always be my boy, my clown, my Rocco. Sleep well, dear boy. Momma loves you

Snowy Thursday

It's snowing, which means that the entire state of Maryland should be grinding to a halt any time now and I dare you to be able to find, toilet paper, milk and white bread on the store shelves. Oldest son and I went grocery shopping yesterday so it can snow as much as it wants. I was out in it earlier and it was actually a lot of slip sliding going on but my little car and I made it easily, mostly because I kept talking to her and telling her what a good girl she is. Yes, I am insane but not certifiably, at least not yet. However, I do feel as if I am fast descending that slippery slope and wonder what I will find at the bottom.

I am having a horrendous time dealing with Rocco's fast approaching death. I half convinced myself that the doctor was wrong, that all the winged things, 11:11's and the rest of the signs were telling me I was heading for a miracle. I have lost other animals before but I never suffered like I am doing now. I think what makes this all so hard is Rocco's zest for life. I swear to god he has to be the happiest dog in the world. It's a wonder he hasn't mamnaged to wag his tail clear off and that grin.... But he is failing and I see it and my heart weeps and I cannot bear it. I cannot have him leave me. I need that ridiculous joy he shows me everytime I wal into the house. I need his enthusiasm for a ridiculous game we invented called simply The Game. I need him to think I am the best thing that he ever knew, even better than catfood and whatever fell off someone's dinner plate.

Of course, I have always felt that I do not deserve such devotion and that the dog is only a silly fool to even LIKE me. I too often remember my mother telling me that people were only friends with me for my body, or my money, or to know my mother. I was in high scholl when she told me that, over and over, and I have always believed it. When people seem to be my friend, they are just being nice. With Rocco, I know it's me he adores, even when I don't have anything for him to eat. Rocco is also youngand so I wonder why he has to go and not that mangy ex stray cat we have who spends her life either eating or asleep in front of the heat vents. She's 16, had a long life and I am selfish enough to wonder why it couldn't be her.

This is really so so hard on me and for me. My head is full of it, my eyes burn from tears and yes, I am being selfish. I want Rocco whole and healthy and here for me but, I also know that isn't possible. So instead I wish the angels would take him in his sleep and we do not have to put him down.

starting tomorrow, the husband is giving me a number of days off before and after Christmas and since my mouseless lap top has not yet made its way back to me, who knows when I'll write again.

So Merry Christmas.

Is it possible

that I have Spring Fever in DECEMBER?????

All I know is the very last thing I want to do is sit here in this office and do the same stuff over and over again till my mind turns to mush. Maybe I'm just being seduced by the sunlight pouring into my office window but you would think that the cold wind blowing into the office through badly fitting window would bea smack up side the telling telling me it's WINTER idiot!

I hate being cold. I'll take hot and sweaty any time over frozen tootsies, not to mention frozen nosen.

The husband had the news on this morning and it showed a crowd of protestors in London, facing off with the police. The pics were taken from on high and so the protestors were a mass of dark colors while the London Bobbies were in a flourescent sort of green colored raincoats... I assume...So the newscaster is rambling on and on describing the scene and he goes as far as to tell us that the police are the groupin the left of the screen. Yep. We surely needed to know that because, well, we could have thought that the protestors all got together and DECIDED TO WEAR THE SAME THING today. But wait. It wasn't over. The announcers uses his oh oh voice and tells us to look at what's coming. Let's see, firing squads, tanks, bombs. No, MEN ON HORSES!! Horses who must have gotten the memo because THEY were wearing the same green as the police. Somehow I just can't think of Londoners as rowdy. I have imagine the mounted cops murmuring "pardon", "Excuse me", "So sorry" as they ride (slowly) into the crowd while the chinese just would have driven over them with tanks.

Another time on one of those ghost shows this women said very seriously the the light she saw was luminescent. Talk about redundant. Could a light be any other way, since luminescent basicly means something emitting light. Arrrggg.

Drug is another word that drives me mad especially when they need to say dragged. A medicine's side effects may be aggressiveness.... I don't even know if that's a word. How about using aggression, less syllables and it means what you want to say. No sense in wasting syllables. Who knows when you might run out.

Lumpy... I mean Rocco the Wonder Dog is still hanging in there and now he is well into week three. I keep hoping for a miracle.

So that's it for me, here and now. Still no laptop, I don't even know what to look for, and I really do have to get back to work. Have to earn that $50 a week that I get. Hang tight.

Once more with gusto

I'm trying to add pics to this blog and am now attempting my fourth go around. I got them into the blog but not where I wanted it. Then I couldn't get them INTO the blog and then I was getting duplicates. So either I will be successful or this computer will be the first one that learns how to fly

That being said.... TAAADAHH Rocco the Wonder Dog before he was Rocco the Lumpy Dog. He's grinning giving him that unbearably goofy look of his that makes youwant to smooch him silly.

Then there is the one of Rocco in his pose so that all can admire him and the last one is Rocco on his desk. Ok so now I have them backwards...aaaarrggghhh. I'm just going to keep going and you can figure them out for yourself.

Where would Rocco be without Little dog Ollie... he of the big ego and personality. He's just gotten groomed and has his jaunty neckerchief on and the toy the groomer lady gave him. She even sent a scarf and toy home for Rocco so that Rocco would feel better.


and then there is what Ollie usually looks like between groomings. any way you look at it, he's adorable.

That's going to be it for Photos for a bit until I can figure out how to do them RIGHT! Any suggestions, email me.

Ok. Now since I've become OCD lately with the creepy winged thing, 11:11 stuff et al, I need to update you.

First of all, I lost the opalite Angel pendant that I wear on a 4 strand stainless steel neck thingee that I wear because chains break. Well, angel and neck thing are both gone. As if that wasn't bad enough, two nights in a row, when I've decided it was time to go to bed and looked up at the internet box it's been... yep 11:11. Then the crows, or ravens. I'm sitting in the car, at the bank, waiting for the husband to come out and there is this huge flock of crows circling around and around the lot, coming to roost on the sign right by the car and taking off again. I have NEVER seen a flock of crows in that area. Pigeons yes, occasionally sparrows but never crows. This is the same bank lot of my much earlier dragonfly sightings.
And then a truck pulls into the parking lot with the name OWL trucking on the side. Ok so maybe I'm pushing it with the owl but I am definitely freaked. I know crows aren't a good sign as is three knocks on a door with no one there and I find myself nearly holding my breath waiting for whatever it is that's coming to come. I have the type of mind that runs off with me, thinking all kinds of outrageous thoughts and scaring myself half out of my mind. I wish I knew a psychic who could tell me what's up but I don't and I don't want to pay beau coup bucks to one on line.
An aside: One of the sons, when they were little, told me you'd have to be psychic to be able to SPELL psychic.

I guess I'm recording this here so that when the whatever occurs i have proof that I knew something was coming.

I went to ebay and bought not one but 4 opalite angel pendants for a grand total of $2.50, so I should get back to full angel mode by the end of the month.

We went Christmas shopping yesterday and shopped till I nearly dropped and treated ourself to dinner out and then I fought a stomach ache for the rest of the night. That's what spending money does to me. But we are nearly finished with the christmas shopping and now comes the wrapping part. I even got a new winter coat so I don't have to walk around in that pink one I bought for $7 at Walmart last year, that makes me look like a raspberry, the coat, not last year. I got the coat now because what would be the sense of giving me a coat for christmas if I froze to death beside it, or found myself in a Willie Wonka Movie playing the part of a raspberry.

So that's it, for now. I wonder what other lovely angel/winged things will pop up to drive me completely around the bend.

Do NOT drag me into your disfunction

I got to go out by myself today. That rarely happens and when it does I take advantage of it. I went to my favorite thrift store for stuff and then a number of stops later I found myself in a dollar store.
Do you ever find yourself trapped behind a shopper in a store? No matter how you try to avoid them they always seem right in front of you hogging up the aisle. This time it was a couple and the husband was grumbling about some woman who did something he didn't like. The wife told him that the woman had said excuse me three times but the husband didn't move. Of course, the guy wouldn't admit to being brain dead so he grumbled something about how he should have stayed in the car. The wife told him she wished he had because he had been cussing her out the whole time they were in the store.

Now you have to know that I was minding my own business, waiting for the guy to shift his butt so I could reach the crackers. And these people were speaking loudly.

"Cussin' you out?" the guy said "All I did was call you a bitch."

And thenfor some god unknown reason the fool turned and grinned at me. Oh he was so smug and wanting someone to see how clever he was. So I looked him right in the eys and told him that his mother must be so proud, then I grabbed my crackers and went on my way. He muttered something about how his mother was proud but the wife called his bluff and announced"She told you that time, didn't she?"

Ok. I can be nosy. If you are going to speak loudly, I will evesdrop. I might even start a conversation with you but I REFUSE TO LET YOU DRAG ME INTO YOUR DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR no matter how great you think you are. I battle my own disfunction and have no time to waste on you.

How do these people manage to find me? I must be wearing some kind of sign on my back. Or mayhbe I hsould just find myself a better class of dollar store.

11:11 update

Yep. Here we go again. I left the craft room last night at 11:11 and this morning I had to send out a fax and the time 11:11. I'm tired of trying to figure out what this means.

Rocco is hanging in there. I keep hoping a miracle will occur.

I took Little Dog Ollie to the groomer today on my own because the husband was tied up with clients that took forever. I swear Ollie wanted to drive but the most I let him do, was shift the car into neutral. It's amazing how stubborn a little guy can be.

We have a client coming in at any moment that is the type of person who makes my head hurt just thinking about them. You probably know someone like this. One who starts to answer a question and before you know it they are so off topic that you feel as if your brain needs a passport to foreign lands. I just don't have the energy to deal with her today so I'm hoping the groomers call soonly and I can go pick up Ollie and avoid the mayhem.

Youngest son's birthday is today and he has a cold. Figures doesn't it?

Not much more to say. But I wanted to document the 11:11 just in case, someday, I can say "See? I told you something was going to happen." I love being right.