Wings

Rocco will be getting his wings tomorrow and I am a mess. Maybe it would be easier if he was old but he's a young boy and the sunlight in my life. I've been having a rough time lately what with working and living with the husband who seems hell bent on putting me in my place. He finishes sentences for me, incorrectly, answers my questions to him with that unspoken 'dumbshit' on the end. He's contentious and argumentative and I have given up trying to find it. He no longer bothers to pay attention to what I tell him and then becomes offended that he didn't know something because I didn't tell him. I've given up telling him that I've already told him such and such and allow myself to be diminished. Some days, as I cross the parking lot to my car, i swear I can actually feel myself shrinking. I wonder what hap[pens when I finally shrink away to a speck. The only reason he'd even notice my absence would be when he needs me to do something for him. So losing my best bud and my cheerleader and the goofiest dog ever born is killing me. I'll still have my little Ollie who is already trying to fill Rocco's shoes but I am so broken. Rocco has never cut me off or looked at me like I was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I've never been reproached with the unspoken dumbshit. As far as he is concerned, the sun rises and sets in me and oh how I will miss that.

HOWEVER, I know I am doing the best for him. What kind of mother would I be if I let him suffer to protect my own fragile feelings? tonight his face is so swollen he can't eat his usual food so he and Ollie pigged out on two small cans of vienna sausages, a smell I cannot stand, but a treat for the dogs. I've saved a can of them to feed him tomorrow before he goes and I am washing a blanket for him to be wrapped in. He's coming back home tojoin the others under the tree and I hope my Mutley is there to lead him on. I don't want my weakness to keep his spirit here. I want him to fly like the winged things that visited me all summer. I want him to soar and to wait for me acorss that bridge because he is and will always be my boy, my clown, my Rocco. Sleep well, dear boy. Momma loves you