Snowy Thursday

It's snowing, which means that the entire state of Maryland should be grinding to a halt any time now and I dare you to be able to find, toilet paper, milk and white bread on the store shelves. Oldest son and I went grocery shopping yesterday so it can snow as much as it wants. I was out in it earlier and it was actually a lot of slip sliding going on but my little car and I made it easily, mostly because I kept talking to her and telling her what a good girl she is. Yes, I am insane but not certifiably, at least not yet. However, I do feel as if I am fast descending that slippery slope and wonder what I will find at the bottom.

I am having a horrendous time dealing with Rocco's fast approaching death. I half convinced myself that the doctor was wrong, that all the winged things, 11:11's and the rest of the signs were telling me I was heading for a miracle. I have lost other animals before but I never suffered like I am doing now. I think what makes this all so hard is Rocco's zest for life. I swear to god he has to be the happiest dog in the world. It's a wonder he hasn't mamnaged to wag his tail clear off and that grin.... But he is failing and I see it and my heart weeps and I cannot bear it. I cannot have him leave me. I need that ridiculous joy he shows me everytime I wal into the house. I need his enthusiasm for a ridiculous game we invented called simply The Game. I need him to think I am the best thing that he ever knew, even better than catfood and whatever fell off someone's dinner plate.

Of course, I have always felt that I do not deserve such devotion and that the dog is only a silly fool to even LIKE me. I too often remember my mother telling me that people were only friends with me for my body, or my money, or to know my mother. I was in high scholl when she told me that, over and over, and I have always believed it. When people seem to be my friend, they are just being nice. With Rocco, I know it's me he adores, even when I don't have anything for him to eat. Rocco is also youngand so I wonder why he has to go and not that mangy ex stray cat we have who spends her life either eating or asleep in front of the heat vents. She's 16, had a long life and I am selfish enough to wonder why it couldn't be her.

This is really so so hard on me and for me. My head is full of it, my eyes burn from tears and yes, I am being selfish. I want Rocco whole and healthy and here for me but, I also know that isn't possible. So instead I wish the angels would take him in his sleep and we do not have to put him down.

starting tomorrow, the husband is giving me a number of days off before and after Christmas and since my mouseless lap top has not yet made its way back to me, who knows when I'll write again.

So Merry Christmas.