Once more - Rocco

I cannot believe how devastated I am over losing Rocco. I find myself crying at the oddest times. Not just tears but huge gulping sobs that make my chest hurt and my nose run and does nothing for my eyes. I cannot reconcile myself to his death and I really wonder if I am losing my mind. I walked into the living room after my bath last night, looked at the time on the cable box and saw that it read 11:11. I went into a tirade, a rant, shouting at the tv and the powers that be and telling them to shove their 11;11 because I had had enough of it already. What good is all this crap if I don't know what it means and while I was at it I told them to go screw this winged visitor thing as well. Josh had a hawk outside his basement window and the kid next door took a picture of another one. Oh and while they were at it they could cut out the three knocks on the door. I AM SICK OF IT ALL! I don't care any more. All I want it to have my dog back and since that can't happen why can't the Powers that Be just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND GO PEDDLE YOUR SIGNS AND PORTENTS SOMEPLACE ELSE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. What good is knowing something is going to happen only you don't know what or where or when? Screw this 'your special, the angels have picked you' stuff. My angels woudl never play with me this way.

My precious boy is gone. I keep expecting to see him in the hallway ourside of the craft room door, grinning at me and rolling over onto his back, or bouncing about the kitchen clacking his jaws and begging em to play the treat game, or yodeling to me through the front window when I pull into the driveway, grinning all the while as he races down the drive way to greet me, Tail wagging so furiously I often wondered why the power of that didn't lift his butt into the air much like the whirling blades that lifts a helicopter into the air. Or have him hide his chews in the oddest places aroudn the house so that Ollie can't get them. No more treats in the bed, my shoe or in my purse. His last night on earth he was laying at the foot of my bed as I read and went down to Josh once the lights were out. The next moringin I found a half chewed treat in my bed. Rocco's last gift to me.

I can;t stand it.