The Bluez Again

I hate my brain.

I'm going along easily, not thinking of much of anything when WHAM!! my brain kicks in and suddenly I'm crying or depressed or both. I don't do this to myself, no matter WHAT my husband thinks, it just comes along and smacks me hard.

It hit me on Saturday and when I went to bed Saturday night I slept for 14 hours into Sunday. What a waste of a day off.

I just want to go home and as the builders are ahead of schedule, I find myself even more anxious to get back home. We picked out wall colors on Saturday, bright colors that did not match my mood at all but ones I hope we can live with. I'm impatient to get going and buy furniture and curtains and all the rest. I hate this rental house with its pumpkin room and the bedroom painted a terracotta brown and makes you feel as if you are sleeping in a flower pot. Arrgghhh. The basement is even more depressing and I don't know how Josh stands it.

It's really hard living with things that aren't yours. We own a narrow side table, a four foot table in my craftroom and a card table for Josh. That's it. the rest of the stuff is rented: Bsheets, beds, furniture, dishes. I fret when I see a scratch on the floor, I spaz over a stain on a sheet, I broke a glass and it nearly knocked me to my knees... sheesh. I want to live among stuff that I can destroy if I want and not worry about what will happen when we move.

I am a wreck. I don't know what to do about it. I've tried all of my tricks to divert my thoughts and feelings but have not been successful. So I just bumble along and hope it won't be much longer. I can't wait for the day when I can start packing up my craft stuff to take it all back home.

I am really lucky in my on line friends. They have been so patient with me and my ranblings and have sent craft supplies to make my life easier. I don't know what I would do, if I couldn't make things. Thye may not be great things I make but they do keep me out of trouble and from running the streets with wild men.

I do know that this could all have been worse. I could have lost dogs or people or we could have had NO insurance but, somehow my head doesn't seem to remember that when it plays its nasty games with me. Oh well.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. If not, I'll keep it to myself. Thanks for listening.