Sometimes my heart just hurts.

Read on Facebook this morning that my youngest (almost 30) vomited blood this morning. I called him immediately but only got voice mail and when I opened my hotmail, he had emailed me. I haven't heard anything since and my mind is racing to the point where I now have a headache.

Double digits and winged things have been showing up AGAIN and no matter how I try to ignore it, there it is. I had wondered what more could happen given the fire and all, and I was only being silly because how can numbers and winged things hurt you? Now this. It may be nothing serious but my brain always takes me to the deepest darkest place first and I have to scratch and claw my way back to the light. Right now all I can do is pray.

Then, as we were leaving the house this morning, a truck came barrelling down the street and the dogs shot across the lawn to chase it to the edge of the property. It wasn't dangerous since the dogs were and remained in the yard, behind a fence and not in the road. I had never seen them do that before and I swear I saw a small white dog head bobbing along beside them.
Little dog Olli (remember him) loved to chase any and everything that way. He put his heart and soul into it and ran for all he was worth his little head bobbing along as if to say.. I know I can... I know I can. My heart twisted as it always does when I think of my Ollie. I was always amazed at how much love such a little body could hold.

Casey has the heart of an Ollie. He's the softest touch I know. For instance..... When he was buying a house, he wanted one big enough so that he would have a spare room in case one of his friends needed a place to crash till they got back on their feet. When he lived at home, he was always bringing home stray people who shared his tiny personal space. Now, he stops whenever he sees a motorist in distress to see what he can do. Once, when we were on vacation and he was nearly grown, I noticed he was no longer with his father and I and his girlfriend. When I looked back Casey was standing stock still in the middle of the Boardwalk watching someone. It seems that he had seen a couple quarreling and didn't like the way it was going. When the guy suddenly grabbed the girl by the arm and started dragging her down a ramp and onto a street, Casey was on the move following. The girl swore she was ok, that it was only an argument but I wonder how many people would have done what Casey did... other than his father that is, who followed Casey when I told Michael what was going on.

My earliest memory of Casey's generosity is when he was in early elementary school. I bought them those fancy pencils that, at the time, could only be gotten at school supply stores ( no dolalr stores then) and cost a fair bit. Every day Casey took a new one till I finally out a stop to it and told him he could have only one new one each week and if he lost it then he would take a regular ordinary pencil. That same day he comes home AGAin without his fancy pencil and just as I was about to blow up at him he told me the reason he didn't have the pencil. There was a boy in his class who couldn't behave if his life depended on it and that day this boy had behaved, mostly, so Casey thought he deserved a prize and there went the pencil.

Casey is not perfect. No one is and he and I have had our ups and downs. Lately it's been mostly downs and while those downs hurt my heart I know how good he fundamentally is and how he wants to be loved and how much I do love him.

So now I can only hope and pray that he is ok and I can give him a big fat kiss and he can pat me on the head and call me his "Little Mommy."

Get well Casey.