Loss

We lost our elderly, very frail next door neighbor last night.

She stopped breathing at home and despite the efforts of the paramedics, she was gone.

I need to give those wonderful men credit here as they worked for nearly an hour to bring her back to the land of the living.

The neighbors house is a small house and oh so many crowded in.  So many that MIchael and I were not allowed in but when bodies shifted I could see the back of the man doing the CPR and that up and down rythmn for a count of five a pause and he started again.  When they finally gave up and quietly left the house their faces were drawn, eyes sad, as if they had lost a member of their own family.

That was when we were allowed in with a warning that Evelyn... the neighbor... was there on the floor, covered with a sheet. 

She hardly made a bump under that sheet but I was allowed to pull back the sheet to say goodbye.   I did tell her to fly away and promised her I'd take care of those she left behind.  This is the family that did so much for us right after the fire.  I can never repay their kindness and the best I could do was to stroke Evelyn's hair and tell her to fly away.

I was suddenly quiet in that little house.  The grown grandson went and got her blanket and covered her with that so she would be warm.  This hit him hard because he always had his Nan sharing the home with him and his family and knew no time when she wasn' there.  He loved his Nan so fiercely.  He with his tatoos and mohawk and those ear pegs of his, kneeling by her side as he and his mom removed his Nans jewelry.  Then he stopped and slid a ring back on her finger.  It was an eternity ring, I think I heard him say.  A ring to speed her on her way.  Oh how tender he was with that old cool hand as he slipped the ring back on. 

The other brother is in a rehab recovering from a leg operation that left behind 40 plus stitches and staples and so wanted to say goodbye.  I can only hope that his Nan visited him in his dreams last night and gave him that changes. 

But that family is not the only one who loved their Nan.  As we sat with the family waiting for the mortician to arrive the young men in the neighborhood began to arrive.  They were stopped at the door so they would tread on Nan murmured their condolences and left.  These men who I knew as boys were broken, one in tears.  One who I thought would never cry, did.  Evelyn was Nan to all of these boys turned men and they would visit with her as if she were their Nan.

When we finally had gotten a rental home, after the fire and Josh was planning to join us, Evelyn told us that we couldn't have Josh back.  That he was her grandson and was keeping him.  JOsh got that slow smile of his, holding that close to his heart.  I also learned that when Evelyn's daughter would return home from work, she would occasionally find Josh there, just sitting with Evelyn, the two of them watching TV.  My mother wasn't much of a grandmother but he found one in Nan.

When the morticians arrived to take Evelyn away, the grandson at home helped to lift and lower her into the bag and then helped the men carry her out.  Evelyn couldn't have weighed much and the men could have lifted her easily but they said nothing, allowing the grandson to help. 

If, at the funeral we are allowed to speak, I have something I want to share.  It is not about memories or a funny story about Evelyn to lift the spirits but, rather, something she said to me that terrible night of that fire.  For a few moments were were alone in the house, Evelyn turned to me with tears in my eyes and told me that she didn't know what she would do if she didn't have her daughter and son-in-law,  They took care of her, she told me, were so good to her and didn't know what she had done to deserve them.

I know what and why.  She was Nan, their Nan and that, in itself is the legacy she leaves behind.  Nan, Their Nan.  Our Nan.  Everyone's Nan.

FLy away Non.  Join your husband and brother and a certain beagle mix named Cuddles who  will be waiting, tail wagging so fiercely it may just fly off.  Enjoy the peace you so rightly deserve.

DogZ

I haven't written much about Charlie and Kali lately.  I don't know if it's these two dogs or that I'm paying attention more closely to what the dogs do, but I swear these two are the smartest ones we've had.

When Charlie wants something we respond with "Show me" and he DOES show me every time.  it can be that he wants a taste of whatever that is on the stove or the cat is inside/outside and wants out/in.  Kali will show me, too, but Charlie is much better at it and I suspect that she whispers in his ear to go tell mom they want such and such and then Charlie does the dirty work.  I've been told that I did this as a child getting myh little sister to do it.  If that is true, I have a good reason for it.  No one could resist the little round cheeked blonde that my sister was as a child,  Compared to my lanky, plain looks who would you choose to give something to?

With the dogs, however, it's more than simple commands of "Show me.".  I made a big pork roast yesterday and, of course, the dogs got a taste.  When they bugged me for more, I told them that they had to wait till Josh had his share and then they would get more.  I didn't think much more about it until Josh came in late and made himself a sandwich.  As soon as he headed down stairs who do you think was at my side, reminding me of my promise.  I kept my promise and they even got some gravy to boot. 

They now have a doggy door in the basement door and each and every time they come in they have to check in with all the people in the house to let us know that they are in.  Charlie doesn't use the door all that often to go out but Kali does and oftentimes you find her whining at your side till you give her permission to use the door and then off she goes, whining all the while as if muttering under her breath.

A Kali story.

Josh got a blue ray surround sound thing at a deep discount at Best Buy.  He was watching an Avengers movie with the sound turned way up.  Kali was visiting him in his room when the Incredible Hulk on the screen growled.  Josh says that Kali's head came up, swung around to stare at the speaker and then was gone in a flash.  She was so upset she forgot the doggy door and Josh had to let her out of the big door.

I swear I have never heard a sound like the one she was making.  If she were human it would be a scream.

She went outside, raced to the front fence and gave the Hulk hell.  She was successful, too, because no Incredible Hulk has ever darkened our doorstep since and then she came in to tell us that we were safe.  Then last night I was watching "Call the Midwife" on PBS and in the midst of the cries of a woman giving birth, my craft room door flew open and both dogs barreled in to save me from whatever.  They were not at all embarrassed that the noise was on TV they had done their duty and made certain I was ok.  Face licking was involved and a few rubs behind the ears and I'll let you guess who did what.

BTW Kali also protects us from birds in the bamboo. 

Those two are certainly a pair, and I am richer for being their momma. 

Theze got left behind.

The ceiling fan in my bedroom.  Can you say Casablanca?

Kali on move in day.  She and Charlie went through the whole move with flying colors.

Decal on bedroom wall.  Looks so much better in person

My bookcase in the bedroom and my Christmas angels.

Decal at the end of the hall.  Have I mentioned I love decals.

So far the only bathroom decoration.  I got these at Dollar Tree when we moved into the rental with the idea of using them here at home and I did.  The bows are their Christmas outfits.

Houze Picz

 I haven't quite mastered either my camera or putting pics into this blog so things are out of order.  Bear with me.  I'll get this figured out eventually... I hope. 

For now, ON WITH THE SHOW!!

Kitchen window over looking the deck and back yard.  That round thing in the bamboo is the bomb shelter we use for storage.

Pasta man decal.  I want to put pizza boxes on the adjoining wall but, so far only have two.

The orange tree the firemen allowed me to take the night of the fire.  Michael and I got this on our homeymoon and we are heading towards 40 years of marriage.

A wooden chest I had bought at IKEA an eon ago.  It was unburned in the craft room but stained with smoke and soot so I did what any crafter would do... covered the drawers with scrap booking paper. 

Decals on the door by the front door.

My craft table.  Good to know some things never change.  All the walls are that blue.

Plants in the garden window.  Need more

Flying solar pig I found at dollar tree.  It flaps away as I craft and has a twin in the garden window because one cannot have too many pigs.

Bedroom window.  This doesn't show the color of the wall well but I like what I did with the clearance sale vines I got at Michaels and the valance that I got at dollar tree.  I kinda impressed myself with this.

Charlie wants to know what I'm doing, why am I sitting on the floor and is there a treat for him involved

Hortense.  She is an odd shaped class covered with clay.  The minute I saw the unclayed glass I saw a person so I had to make that vision come true.  She's beside a fairy door decal outside of the bedroom door.

Totem danglers that I had made on chop stick and tooth picks at the rental then turned into danglers when I bought this shelf for the bedroom.

KItchen on move in day,

The house on move in day.  Peach walls, wood laminate floors and a never before bay window and nearly all glass door.  I wanted sunlight and I get it. 

Nature vs Nurture

A cousin of mine has recently connected with me through facebook and I am happy she did so.

She feels like a friend and the only drawback is that she is in Arizona.

She is also a crafter and makes some spectacular beaded jewelry.  I make earrings and bracelets and such but nothing with such complexity.  Now she's shared her blog with me and now only does she bead but she repurposes as well.

All of this has gotten me thinking.  What gives us our talents?  Nature or nurture.

I have always been making things for as far back as I can remember.  I'm not saying I am an artist just someone who crafts.  I don't stick to just one thing.  I do paper crafts and poly clay and make art dolls, decorate wreaths and whatever catches my fancy.  When the sons were young we had found a large dollhouse at Sally army that the boys wanted turned into a base for their volton Action figures and I spent an entire day making furniture and a command center out of carfboard and shiny paper.  Then there was the halloween top hat that I painted and fun foamed so that it became a haunted hat.  Both sons are creative.  With Josh it's been drawing, then the violin followed by the sax and now along with his cooking, he paints warhammer figures and just recently has started painting a model of a sailing ship.  Casey's talent is mainly his words and computers but now he's become quite the handiman around his house, much like my father was. 

Nature or nurture.  Many of my cousins and my cousins' kids are talented in many ways.  THese are the cousins on my father's side where a Gifted and Talented kid isn't anything unusual,  There are those that paint and those that play music and those that have a way with words and those who decorate and those who craft.  Do we all share a gene?  Or were we all blessed with parents who allowed us to be creative and some who encouraged us to spread our wings and fly? 

I would like to think is is nature.  It would make me feel so connected, like we all had this wonderful secret we hold close to our hearts.  A secret we take our occasionally, admire, grin like fools and then tuck it away again.

All of this makes me wish I was closer to my other cousins.  The failing is mine, I fear.  I simply believe that people are only being nice or putting up with me and I don't want to bother them.  So I don't.  NOt an excuse but an explanation.  Self esteem definitely comes under nurture.

Talent??  However we got our talents and our desires to create, I'm glad I have mine, even if I am only gluing odd stuff to a wreath or making my umpteenth polymer clay whatever or walking about with an unknown streak of glitter across my nose.  I makes me calm and sometimes, when the stars are just right, I make something that surprises me. 

Commuterz

There is something about canadian geese that tugs at my heart. I have the belief that when a person dies, it's the geese that flies their soul to heaven, their honking taking teh place of trumpets.   I don't know if it is the sound they make or the shape of their bodies in the air.  Look up, when they fly over.  Their necks are stretched straight, their feet tucked up against their bodies and they seem to honk with every breath.  I always thought that the honk was giving the others in the flock directions.

The geese spend the night in a bog/marsh/whatever to the east of the house and fly westward each morning to return each evening... hence... commuters

I missed the geese while we were burned out.  The rental house had few trees on the street.  I didn't hear geese or birds or the few stray cicadas that always pop up each summer.  All I heard at the rental was the drone of the beltway traffic.

Back home now, there is some poor bird singing its morning song in hope of a mate.  Only it's January and the poor soul is too early.

But back to the geese.... for years only two flew over the house.  A couple I supposed since geese mate for life.  Honk honk honk they'd fly overhead and I would grin.  Coming back home I discovered there is a large flock now that take the same route as the commuters.  I suppose it's equal to them taking mass transit to work.  But what of my commuters.  The couple is down to a single.  That one poor lonely soul that honks his/her heart out as it flies over the house.

This breaks my heart.  (so much breaks my heart lately)  My poor lonely goose with honking so much a part of its makeup that it honks when there is no one to reply.  Why the lone goose doesn't join the bigger flock.  I don't know.  Maybe once you have a flock that's it and there is no room for anyone else.  I don't know.

If the lone goose is still around when I go, I want to ride to heaven on his/her back and we'll honk away the two of us and all will be well.

This has brought everything back

I'm on an internet list.  One of the list members posted that her sister was injured in a house fire.  Injured to the point that she is sedated against the pain.  Injured to the point where her lungs are seared.  The sister lost everything including her pets and has no insurance. 

I couldn't sleep the night I found out about this all. I would not wish a house fire on ANYONE.  Here is one that involved loss of life and an injured woman.  I got off easy in comparison but it still it haunts me.  I wonder if it will always haunt me.  i really do not need something else playing with my head and no matter how much I tell my head to leave me alone, it won't.

I really can't do anything to help the list member and her sister but I did send some suggestions for the injured woman's daughters to help them with the mess afterwards.  It's not much but I am glad I had something to offer and if what I learned in my aftermath.  This way I feel that all that I lost was not in vain.


And then this morning, still racked by the horror of a fire injury, I looked around my new bedroom and sighed.  Then I smiled and then I threw my arms wide and announced as loudly as I could "Bedroom, I LOVE YOU!"  I do, I love the bed room and the craft room (though the paint I chose is a bit too dark) and the living room and the kitchen.  No paneling anywhere and sun, sun streaming in through doors and windows.  I LOVE MY HOUSE!  Even the plain white bedroom and the off white laundry room.  I love my deck and my bay window and my yellow walls.  I have little furniture on which to place Christmas decorations but I decorated the top of my kitchen cabinets and ...well... I love my kitchen.

So if I keep all of this firmly in my head, I will beat my fire memories.  I will learn to accept what I lost but I doubt that I will ever stop looking for Isabella the cat that went missing.

Even so... things could have been so much worse.  I hope that sometime in the future the list member's sister can come to terms with all that happened to her.  I wish for her to have a day when she sees something new in her life that she loves and wouldn't have had without the fire.

Without the fire I would still be in my dark house with its accumulation of years of possessions and not this light airy sparse house where I have made thing JUST THE WAY I WANT THEM!  What more could anyone want?